Hey everyone.. not that anyone is really gonna read this, but i need to get some things out on the table so to speak.....

first.... i have no idea what to do. I really really REALLY like this guy.. we'll call him B.. (no, not Ben..... thats looong gone) So, at the begining of this year, we were super close, really good friends... told eachother everything. talked about anything.. we even kissed.... actually, three times...:/ twice making out.... and the bad news, hes my brothers bestfriend. Even worse news, he had stopped talking to me for FOUR MONTHS. for no reason at all. just stopped. randomly. and finally he messaged me on myspace (did i mention taht he deleted me on facebook AND myspace? like honestly, did you WANT to get rid of me? you coulda just said so.. it woulda been so much easier...) oh, he messaged me on myspace and basicly told me that he didnt want to be my friend bc im mean and too sarcastic to him. all you peeople that know me, am i REALLY that mean?! because i hadnt thought so..... but i dont even know myself now.... :/ but, now some sorta good news... hes FINALLY talking tome again.. only if i talk to him first. and then even if i do, its all akward bc i never know what to say bc i get butterflies and no words form sentences in my head. stupid boys that make you all stupid. it really sucks! soo, now its like talking once a month instead of hanging out 4 or 5 days a week! :'( gosh. i hate it so much. He knows i like him too. maybe something will happen when my brother leaves for college?! but i dont wanna wait for august!! oh well.....

"If you could see that i'm the one that understands you.
Been here all along.
so why cant you see.
you belong with me."
-taylor swift



also, NO HORSE. STILL. Im dying here. I still go to the ranch a lot, and ride every once in a while, but it makes me want to cry when im not there every week riding at least once a week. im used to riding 4 or 5 days a week! goooosshh! this really really sucks. and it doesnt help that my friend keeps rubbing it in my face that she has two of her very own horses.. and that when shes in seattle over summer (like right now) shes at the barn riding $100,000 horses!!! and i cant even afford a weekly lesson at $40 right now. ugghh! i want to cry and just run away whenever i talk to her now, bc thats ALL she talks about. and shes always texting me asking (every single monday of my life) if we can go to my barn and ride.. bc thats the day her barn is closed, so no riding. baaahhh!!!!!!!!!



I am having MAJOR guy problems, ive decided. all the guys i DO NOT EVER WANT want me. it sucks big time. matt, travis? guys, seriously. NO MEANS NO! ugh, ive had to reject them both at least 3 times. SO annoying! and now i think travis has gotten no, but he is just trying to ruin my life by trying to get with my two best friends! and now, im not sure if i can trust one of them bc shes making up lies and telling him crap about me (that most of it isnt true.) but personal things. its aggravating. but wahtever. ive warned then both that even though he says he (QUOTE!!!)"dont want casual sex anymore, i want a lasting, loving relationship. Ill be here for you, its just whether or not you have me. Its totally up to you" by the way, this is a direct quote from travis, that i wrote down when he said it to ashley, bc he said those same exact words to me.. and then a week or so later, said them to kira. WOW. what a looser. and hes such a sweet talker too! he makes you WANT to like him, he isnt super hot, but he isnt ugly.. hes a little less than average (i know, your gonna say looks dont matter, but EVERYONE at least subconciously will judge on at least some of the other persons image.) but the way he treats you is every girls dream. not even joking. its actually incredible how he does it. you get totally sucked in by him. but i doubt its realy. its gotta be a script since my friends and i have heard the same things from him..... :/ damn. otherwise he'd be perfect.. well, minus the sex and smoking part........

gosh. i cant talk about him anymore. its making me want to cry.




blaahhh!!!! so, i dont have anything else to say other than i want to go draw and finish my story ive been working on for like 5 months.. its about B.. go figure.


oooh! wait. ive been blessed with one GOOD thing. so, another guy too.. i really hope this one turns out better than the other ones! :/
Tyler. Hes shorter than me (which is usually a HUGE turn off for me) but his personality makes up for it. and hes really cute. which is a bigger plus. and he rides dirtbikes! woot woot! well, hes a mutual friend of me and ashley (ash doesnt like his as anything more than a friend, hes like her brother.. so im all good there.. ) but, one day ashley asked him what he thought about me, and he told her that i am really nice, he likes my personality and that im really cute. !!!! WOW! second guy in my life that said that i was cute. (not counting my dad.. and they were serious.) so, that made my day really good a few days ago. Now to just hang out with him a lot and see where this goes!

gaah! ive got to go.. im going to finish cleaning my room.
I just painted it (color- peanutbutter! its really a little bit darker than actual peanutbutter bc i did 2 coats, oh well! i love it!) so, my room is still sorta a disaster.. and i have no doorknob bc i re-painted my door white.

adios for now.

ill try to remember to type my story soon.. ive got it pretty much finished in my notebook.

xoxo